Some Spiritual Thought

It’s been a while since I put anything on here, new exciting or different to what has been featured elsewhere, though I have to say I find it sad that this blog which is probably least written in but most enlightening about me is read by so few.

I am going to talk about where I see my spiritual development going in 2009.  In 2008 I have denied much of what I felt was rightly something I should have as part of my spiritual development because I felt it would cause others to have their dreams damaged.

This year sees me taking a different tack, this year is the year things I found unacceptable in the past but suffered in silence to those who it involved, becomes a vocal force.  Where I see injustice I will be saying so, where I see abuse I will be saying so.  This doesn’t necessarily mean I am seeing it now but long have I let others have the upper hand on me because I have felt I haven’t been worthy of the achievement of getting what I wanted.

It’s time after 38 years to quit being the understudy and become a lead actor.  My strength of personal character is coming back, even though tonight I again denied something for an easy life for others.  That is for the short term, I will not deny it ever again once the current situation is sorted.

I am when I am back to full physical strength going to see to it that I make an offering to the Gods in my sacred place, of some wine and some food to ask them to help by staying by my side when I need their council.  I’ve said it before my Gods aren’t people I fear they are my peers much as my friends are.  I will be asking all the skill of Herne/Arawn as a hunter to keep my senses for opportunity to better myself alert, Macha, for support in forming strategies to work through things, then Danu/Anu mother of my people to give me strength to nuture and love those who feel unloved and have been victims of warfare on the spiritual plains.  Arawn has hinted I am due a pack of hounds of my own to control soon, he breeds the finest in the next world, they are the original pure bred Welsh Foxhound, which I grew up around in the 1970’s and 1980’s.  I am no longer messing round if you annoy me enough I will set these beasts to your door, fortunately no one who even knows this blog’s address will ever need worry but there are those close who might just do so.  And trust me, having been their quarry myself this lifetime I know they mean business!

During the year I am sure there will be others I shall call on to sit with me a while and offer words, as I do I will introduce them to this blog.  Be aware I will be calling on some pretty interesting characters of my belief system if some of my fears get proved to be true.  Some will be the great healers, some the great wordsmiths, other great hunters and other’s just great people, yes that’s right people, Gods are like us, sometimes they even are us, as they take human form to deliver their own message.

However that’s enough thought, I’ve rambled enough and my pain medication kicked in at last so bed calls for me, Happy New Year if you deserve it, may the Gods watch over you.

Thoughts

Well I have been thinking again, I need to evaluate so much at the moment that I am worried my brain is going to fry, some things I want to remain similar to what they are at this time mean I have to change my hopes and ideals.

This isn't going to be easy, as my ideals are what have got me through this period of turbulence in my life. It's now time to look at modifying some of what I believe and being able to accept it is a change which I am doing for my good, not as it might seem for others.

I have so much of what I want in my life in my friendships that it leaves little room for someone to come into my life and take the whole package, I have love, I have care, I have understanding, I have empathy and I have guides and listeners. I have children, that are as close to me as children who would have been from a partner had I produced any. I have friends as close to me as lovers but are not lovers. I don't think there is room for much more. Where I am struggling is I miss the feeling of physical closeness, the bonding of lovers, yes yes both wonderful ways of saying I miss sex.

The thing is I am as I have said before not one for empty shallow sex. I have to find some way to get that need fulfilled and I am honestly not sure how to do it. My friends who I am close to are taken or romantically not my type. I don't want a relationship which damages what I have with them either, as I think me disappearing whilst would be understood would hurt them almost as much as it would hurt me. So I have to find some way to find sex with meaning and love but not committed to a relationship beyond the physical that far that will allow me the freedom to be me. It's going to be difficult to say the very least, but we shall see.

Do We Subconciously Pick The Same Friend Every Time?

And can we break the pattern? I don't believe we can, talking from a personal point of view. Many years ago when I started my training as a counsellor I was given an exercise to do. It told me something of my personality. It was part of transactional analysis studies. If any of my readers have ever read anything on the subject you won't be at all surprised to find that my personality type was a rescuer.

Now I am looking at my relationships, my friendships and my other close interactions as to understand me more so I can find my dreams and live them once again. In order to do this I have to understand me first.

What the hell as this got to do with the topic in the header I hear you ask? An awful lot, I look at my friends, my relationship history such as it is and I realise it is the same story every time. Each relationship I have had someone has seen me as a potential rescuer, whether it be conscious or not it still has happened. Am I likely to change the way I am and what attracts me? I guess not. I have been like this the whole of my life and short of electric shock therapy or other aversion therapy I can't see me finding a way to change. The thing with being a rescuer is that at the end of the rescue what happens? The person who was rescued walks one way and the rescuer walks the other.

So what are the things that the rescuer does. I am guilty at some point of doing each of them, but each of them is also something that makes a friend a friend. Ask yourself each of these and see what you think.

1. Is it hard for you to take time for yourself and have fun?
2. Do you supply words for someone else when she/he hesitates?
3. Do you set limits for yourself that you exceed?
4. Do you believe you are responsible for making (keeping) someone else happy?
5. Do you like to lend a shoulder for someone else to "cry" on?
6. Do you believe that the other person is not sufficiently grateful for your help?
7. Do you take care of someone else more than you take care of yourself?
8. Do you find yourself interrupting when someone else is talking?
9. Do you watch for clues for ways to be helpful to someone else?
10. Do you make excuses, open or mentally, for another person?
11. Do you do more than your share, that is, work harder than someone else does?
12. When someone else is unsure or uncomfortable about doing something, do you do it for him or her?
13. Do you NOT do things you would like because someone else wouldn't like your doing so?
14. Do you find yourself thinking that you really know what is best for someone else?
15. Do you think someone else would have grave difficulty getting along without you?
16. Do you use the word "we" and then find you don't have the other person's consent?
17. Do you stop yourself by thinking someone will feel badly if you say or do something?
18. Is it hard for you NOT to respond to anyone who seems to be hurting or needing help?
19. Do you find yourself being resented when you were only trying to be helpful?
20. Do you find yourself giving advice that is not welcome or accepted?

If you can answer more than a handful of these with a yes, you too are a rescuer.

A Short Entry About Sex

I bet the first thing you are thinking is where does this fit into spirituality? For me it does very nicely. I have been single and without sex now for just on 3 1/2 years. I won't pretend it's been an easy time of it. False accusations haven't really helped matters on this but I won't dwell on those because it is something that is beginning to heal, so me analysising those wouldn't help much.

So why is sex to me spiritual? It is something to me created by the divine that we may procreate. Although I also believe it is there to deepen spiritual bonds and even test them, It's something special, to be shared with people you believe are special people to you. I won't do one night stands for this very reason. No one after one day of knowing me is going to be that special to me.

To me sex is not just a bit of disposable fun, it's making love and showing love to someone you care about. It's not necessarily a romantic thing, although I know most people believe it is. It is a way of showing physically how much you trust someone not to hurt you, emotionally and physically. This is why my sex only relationship in the past died out. She was constantly hurting me emotionally.